The Myth of Stages of Grief
By Worth Kilcrease
Have you been taught that there are specific stages of grief? Counselor, Worth Kilcrease, certified in thanatology, debunks this limiting concept of the grief process. Mourning death or debilitating loss involves many levels of adaptation.
Myth One of Five Common Myths of Mourning
There Are Five (or Three, Four, Six, Seven, Ten, or Twelve) Stages of Grief
Fact: Various models attempt to describe what happens during mourning with many describing mourning as a series of stages or phases. Of these, the most well-known one has five stages and is attributed to Elizabeth Küebler-Ross. Those five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (sometimes abbreviated as DABDA). Since her book On Death and Dying was published in 1969, various other models involving three to twelve different stages have arisen from different theorists. So what is wrong with describing mourning as a series of stages? Here are the major shortcomings:
There Are Five (or Three, Four, Six, Seven, Ten, or Twelve) Stages of Grief
Fact: Various models attempt to describe what happens during mourning with many describing mourning as a series of stages or phases. Of these, the most well-known one has five stages and is attributed to Elizabeth Küebler-Ross. Those five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (sometimes abbreviated as DABDA). Since her book On Death and Dying was published in 1969, various other models involving three to twelve different stages have arisen from different theorists. So what is wrong with describing mourning as a series of stages? Here are the major shortcomings:
Since there is a multitude of stage theories involving three, four, five, six, seven, ten, and twelve different stages, which one is the correct one?The DABDA model, the most popular one, is an erroneous application of Kübler-Ross’s attempt to describe how people cope with the reality of their own upcoming death. She did NOT propose DABDA as a model for grieving, others made that leap.
Every stage-based model attempts to portray a complex process with a few simplistic terms. While simplicity can help describe something, it can also be very misleading. There is a difference between a descriptive and prescriptive (see below) model of mourning.
There is no empirical proof that any stage-based model describes everyone’s bereavement experience. Some people may experience some of the stages some of the time, but everyone doesn’t experience all of the stages all of the time. Stage models have been based on observations of select populations and not, until recently, subjected to empirical study. That study sought to prove the validity of the stage-based approach of describing mourning. However, many critical reviews regarding the researchers’ methodology, including their highly selected study sample, cast serious doubt on the validity of the study.
The term “stages” implies that mourning is a passive activity – similar to a two-year old going through the “terrible two’s” phase of growing up – you don’t have any control and you just have to wait for it to be over. A good analogy is a car wash. First is the “vacuuming the floor” stage, followed by the “clean the bugs off the windshield” stage, then the “wash, and rinse” stage, and finally the last stage – the “drying off” stage – when it emerges bright and shiny clean. The car doesn’t do anything but be there while everything is done to it. However, mourning is not a passive, uncontrollable process like a car wash; it is a highly active process.
Stage models create expectations of what mourning is supposed to be like, i.e., prescriptive. This is a major shortcoming because of the potentially detrimental effect on the bereaved. A list of stages sets people up to expect certain reactions after the death of a loved one. When those expectations don’t happen or don’t happen in the “correct” order, the bereaved individuals can think there is something wrong with them when there really isn’t.
Mourning involves adapting, adjusting, learning to live with, and incorporating the loss into our daily lives. It is NOT a predefined artificial checklist.
Worth Kilcrease is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a certified Fellow in Thanatology practicing end-of-life, bereavement and grief counseling in Austin, Texas. In his work, he focuses on being an experienced companion to those who are on the final pilgrimage of their lives, those caring for them, and those on a journey of rebuilding their world after the death of a loved one or after any other significant loss. Visit this bereavement counselor's profile, his grief counseling website, and blog, In Due Course, information and questions/answers about death, dying, bereavement, grief, and mourning.
Visit Feel Good Austin for more of Worth's grief articles and see these events listings for information on Worth's grief support groups.
